The Tenth Doctor?

David Tennant? Pah! Let’s have a look at the real contenders for the mantle of Tenth Doctor Who…

10. Des O’Connor: possibly the only advantage old Dessie could possibly have is the orange skin. What on earth he would use that for I don’t know. His singing should be enough to defeat any enemy susceptible to sonic anguish, however.

9. Brian May: the Queen guitarist certainly has the distinctive look – clogs, curly locks of long dark hair – but sadly he’s tied up at the moment on tour with Roger Taylor and Paul Rodgers. However his wife Anita Dobson would make a fantastic assistant…

8. Terry Venables: already a jack of all trades (actor, scriptwriter, footballer, manager, erm, singer) El Tel no doubt is well travelled enough and used to spending his life in a lonely pale box that stumbles through time aimlessly after his time on Teesside with Middlesbrough FC.

7. Zippy: already has the advantage of being able to blend in with the Daleks, hence his voice – Zippy also has a wide collection of companions and is used to putting up with screaming harridans such as the Sisterhood of Karn (or was it Rod, Jane & Freddie?)

6. Mark & Lard: the ex Radio 1 DJs are no doubt begging for prime time work again. Their amazing gift of mimicry and ability to know what the other is thinking means they would be perfect as the Doctor’s 10 & 11th incarnations, fighting the forces of evil TOGETHER!

5. Lily Savage: I don’t know why, it just works, OK?

4. Robin Williams: no doubt the sugary ex smack-head will relish the opportunity to play a once-revered character only to change the part completely and make the Doctor “Mork”-wacky”. Would benefit overseas sales.

3. Lady Thatcher: stern, not for turning, and that’s just the distinctive haircut. Has a fine nose to follow in the footsteps of Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker. As we know, travel broadens the mind – Mrs Thatcher certainly needed some of that…

2. Stephen Fry: don’t be silly. That would be absolutely ridiculous!

1. There is no doubt about it. This guy can beat politicians and dinner ladies all in one day, resulting in a net £20 million increase in the amount of money spent on kids school dinners. It is possible that he has raised the standard of young people through this simple act of logic. Stand forth, the new Doctor Who, JAMIE OLIVER!


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