The Valeyard Judges: Let’s Kill Hitler

When last I deigned to speak to you mortals I had been forced to accept a job on this damned website. Since then the Dark Son of Gallifrey has failed to rise and I find that I must take up residence in the viewing room of my TARDIS and watch Let’s Kill Hitler since it would appear I’m going to have to review the blasted thing.

Still, it’s a promising start; “Let’s Kill Hitler”. Well, yes, lets. I suppose one could take issue with the positioning of that apostrophe. Surely “Let us Kill Hitler”, “Lets Kill Hitler” or even “Shall we Kill Hitler?” would have worked better from a grammar point of view. But I digress.

Frankly the idea of killing the Fuhrer is one that appeals to me. The man is a fixed point in history, think of the damage you could do to the timeline if you were to remove him from events prematurely. This might not be so bad after all.

So I settle down in my favourite leather couch with a glass of Julius’s wine of choice and a family sized packet of Chilli Heatwave Doritos and wait for the carnage to begin. Which it does with a “Previously on Doctor Who”, still I shouldn’t complain at least I don’t have to sit through that self obsessed Pond monologue that the Americans do. I swear that girl thinks she’s the star of the show. Infernal cheek of the girl. Still, that Madam Kovarian is quite easy on the eye, so maybe this isn’t without merit.

Oh look, he’s got a new coat. Trying to emulate my Gallifreyan robes by the look of it. It hardly matters, he’s still wearing a Tweed jacket in his mind.

Mels? Those insipid Ponds have a friend called Mels? If she gets into my TARDIS I’ll be quite displeased. It was bad enough having Miss Carrot Juice and there’s only a consonant of a difference. No, wait a moment, I think I may have judged her prematurely. She’s holding my earlier self (hold on, that’s a spoiler! – Ed) at gun point.

Still things move downhill from here as our “heroes” accidently save Hitler. Fools! Didn’t they see the name of this episode? Metatextual curses. Mind you, this Rory fellow seems to have some promise as he keep happily punches Hitler in the face.

Now hold on a second, these numbskulls seem to have identified my TARDIS as belonging to a War Criminal. Well, I don’t like to boast, but as it happens I’m really quite proud of my track recor… They’re talking about Mels? She’s the War Criminal? I knew that girl had potential! She’s welcome back on my TARDIS anytime. Except Hitler just shot her. Oh well, easy come easy go.

My interest is kept mostly due to the fact that Mels regenerates into River and she takes great pleasure in trying to kill my younger self, which suits me fine as I’ve done the math and I’m next in line.

“I’m dying.” Yes, yes you probably are. Try and do it like a Time Lord rather than a whiney part human half breed, there’s a good chap. My excitement builds as he drags himself and his floppy hair back into what is about to become my TARDIS. Such is my elation that I can live with his need to cycle through his sorry collection of companions since 2005, it would seem even the Doctor has a Post 2005 bias. Not to worry, the 80s are about to arrive back in style.

I start looking out my best robes as my about to be predecessor goes through all the self indulgent motions that my prior regenerations have taken to doing since our return from cancellation. I’m given brief pause for thought as someone mutters something about the capacity for regeneration being suspended, but that’s fine, it’s not as if I’ve ever really followed the classical regeneration protocols.

And it looks like he’s actually going to kick the bucket this time, he’s lying on the steps and not even my superior intellect can divine a way out of this for him. Here I come!

Hold on, what’s she doing? Why is she glowing like that? SHE CAN’T DO THAT!

How does he do it? How does he continue to cheat death like that? Just when I think this Moffat chap might not so bad he turns out to be a bigger regeneration tease than that Davies bounder. I think I just lost interest in the rest of the episode.

They can do whatever the hell they want now, I just don’t care.

[Finish the review – Ed]

I beg your pardon, mortal?

[Finish the review, please. Sir – Ed]

Very well. There’s a whole bunch of timey wimey stuff in which the Doctor successfully bypasses the Pond’s parental instincts and then they play end credits.

The end.

Now leave me. I have much to consider from this debacle and a packet of Doritos to finish.

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