The Valeyard Judges: Closing Time

Now this is more like it.

After the inconveniences, ill-advised meetings and less than ideal viewing locations of the last few weeks I find myself back in my leather-bound chair. With a family size bag of Chilli Heatwave Doritos opened on the table next to me, a glass of Tab Clear and Armitage purring in my lap I find myself more than prepared for this weeks review.

This is all down to my new personal secretary that I felt compelled to employ earlier this week and so far he has executed his duties in a most promising fashion. I really don’t see what could possibly go wrong this week.

“Will there be anything else, Sir.” Ah, that’s him now. I do love the fact that I can practically hear the capital S.

“No, I think that will be all for now, Lord Stormageddon.”

“Please, Sir, feel free to call me Alfred.” Yes, he really has been quite the find. He has excelled as my personal secretary, been outstanding at carrying out the weekly shop and with his Adjudicator armour and manly beard has been more than a little useful as a right hand man in crisis situations. All this and it would appear he’s prepared to be my butler as well.


“Very well, Alfred. That shall be all.” After all the episode is about to start and I really should watch it if I plan on reviewing it.


”Yes, Alfred?”

“If Sir doesn’t object, I have taken the liberty of preparing a few notes on tonight’s viewing.”

“Not at all, not at all. May I see them?” Alfred coughs politely and I notice that a small table seems to have appeared just in front of my chair complete with Lord Stormageddon’s notes. “Ah, never mind, I see that they are already here.” As I begin reading through my new-found companion’s notes I slowly realise that he has rather understated the matter; these are not notes. No, it would appear that I am reading a full-blown review of an episode that is yet to air in the current time line.

“You shall of course note, Sir, that you are reading an actual review.” Damn, but he’s good.

“It had crossed my mind. You seem to have a flair for imitation, Lord Stormageddon.” He coughs politely. “Alfred.”

“Hardly, Sir. All I did was to take to slight liberty of using the TARDIS to retrieve a copy of your review from Kasterborous.”

“I see. But don’t I still have to write it or it won’t exist? Surely this will cause some kind of universe shattering paradox.”

“You would think so, Sir, but this is a Type 1 Moffat Paradox.”

“Ah, so the usual rules of time and space don’t apply. Excellent.” “Indeed, Sir.” I do so love the sound of that S.

I feel a little chill as I read words that I haven’t written yet. None of my earlier versions would allow themselves to do this. Well maybe Seven, but he always did have a little more steel.

Closing Time is a well crafted homage to the Cybermen of Classic Who and re-instils all the familiar chills from that time.

Stormaggedon with the Valeyard in his younger days...

That seems a positive, yet guarded sentence.

James Corden brings all the skills and comic timing we’ve come to expect from his over the years.


“Indeed, Sir.”

“This is the same James Corden that the Meddling Monk regenerated into a few years back?”

“I believe so, Sir.” Curious.

The setting for much of this episode plays rather close homage to the 2005 Series Premiere of Rose. Thankfully without that annoying Piper girl.

Yes, that definitely sounds like me. I never could stand that girl.

A sense of finality creeps through this entire episode, almost as if the Doctor, and the writer, is trying to tie up loose ends before the series finale.

I’m rather enjoying this. I’m not bad at this reviewing lark.

The break out star of this episode is the young actor who portrayed young Alfie Owens. I believe we can expect great things from him.

I don’t doubt it. I’m a superb judge of character.

The episode is only slightly marred by the rather simplistic defeat of the Cybermen through the emotion humans call love and a fleeting cameo from my least favourite Ginger companion.

She’s back? Well maybe I just won’t watch it. After all why should? The whole review is here and I’m protected by the Type 1 Moffat Paradox.

“Very good, Alfred. I do believe I shall submit this in it’s entirety to Cawley. It has almost everything he usually asks of me with the possible exception of an encounter with a rogue Time Lord.”

“Once again, Sir, I hope you don’t mind but I took the liberty of preparing a handful of paragraphs at the end of the review regarding the Meddling Monk.”

“Ah.” I’m so glad I employed Lord Alfred Stormageddon.

“It seemed appropriate.”

“Quite, quite.”

He took the words right out of my mouth.

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