The Valeyard Judges: The Girl Who Waited

It’s not happening. Not this week.

I’ve seen the preview; this is a Pond episode. I refuse to have anything to do with the ginger whinger any more.

And you can’t make me, Cawley! Besides, I’m in the middle of something really quite important here.


You see over the last few months I’ve been tracking down the Master. Yes, yes, I’m quite aware that you chronologically challenged buffoons think he’s trapped in the Time War with Rassilon. But in my personal time stream he has been free for several centuries.

Truth to tell he’s been quite the thorn in my side of late. Things weren’t so bad when he was played by that Cumberbatch fellow, he brought quite the air of menace and superiority to my oldest enemy. But now he’s played by Jonathon Ross, and that just won’t stand.

“Ah, Doctor, you have stumbled into my cunning twap.”

Blast, I should not have allowed myself to have become distracted. I seem to be hanging upside down, dangling in front of this would be Master.

“I knew you would swip up eventually, Doctor.”

I do wish he wouldn’t call me that.

“So, you must be wondering why I’ve lured you here…”

“Not especially, I presume you have some feeble notion of ending my life.” That’s shut the fool up. It would appear I’m right. “Is there any chance you could cut me down, all the blood seems to be rushing to my head.”

“Ah ha!” Oh dear, he’s had an idea. These never end well for either of us. “You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

I swear he’s some kind of moron. “Of course I would. What kind of idiot wants to be left hanging around?”

“What kind idiot, indeed?” He’s just repeating me now, he really has grown tiresome. I do hope he has a point to make soon. “How about the kind of idiot that has to work as a weviewer on some two-bit website [Hey! – Ed] to make ends meet?”


“It must just kill you to have to sit and watch past glowies and only be able to pass comment on them.” The insufferable buffoon is just taunting me now. “So I have decided that the most tortuous thing I could do to you is to ensure that you watch this week’s episode, I believe it stars a companion quite close to your heart.”


“Like heartburn, you mean?” That’s it, keep things jokey and start working on these knots.

“Ah, you may mock me now.” And for a long time to come I expect. “But let’s see what you think of me after this!” He wheels out a television set and leaves the room laughing maniacally. I’d really hoped he’d grown out of that stage.

And so I find myself watching the damn episode anyway. It’s every bit as Pond obsessed as I’d feared it would be. More so in fact as it seems there are two of her this week, why don’t they just give her a spin-off show of her own and be done with it?

Although just when I fear that I shan’t be able to take any more the unbelievable happens; they actually kill one of her. Oh happy day!

Doctor Who - The Girl Who Waited

And by ‘they’ I don’t mean the script writer, although he played his part I’m sure, I’m referring to my younger self and Rory. They both make the decision to sacrifice one of the Ponds. It has to be said though, they should have sacrificed the younger, whinier model. I was actually growing to like the older version. A bit of steel about her.

Not a bad episode all in all. I must confess though that I felt I was watching a Seventh Me and Ace story at points. I do miss that version of me, he knew how to get things done.

I’m left hanging, in every sense of the word, long after the episode has finished. Long, long after the episode has finished in point of fact. It would seem that the Master has forgotten all about me.

How I miss Cumberbatch.

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