The Valeyard Judges: The God Complex

I must confess that I’m rather looking forward to this one.

The God Complex. Of course I have one. How could the last scion of Gallifrey not have one? Time is mine to bend and break as I see fit, Empires rise and fall at my merest notion, the tides of time don’t dare move without my say so and Sir Patrick Moore has me as his ‘Phone a friend’. How could I not have a God Complex? Sadly most of my previous regenerations have tried to deny ourselves and pretended to merely be “just another Time Lord”. Except for my seventh self. I was always rather fond of him, it was nice to have something positive come out of the 80s.

Having spent the last six days attempting to free myself from the Master’s trap (who would have thought the buffoon would be that good with knots?) I materialise my TARDIS in a Somerfields and leave in search of some Chilli Heatwave Doritos to enjoy this episode with.

I eventually locate them in an isle empty apart from a trolley full of ‘Lifestyle Magazines’, I remain proud of the fact that I’ve not read a single one over two thousand years. I’m about to return to my TARDIS with my Doritos when I become aware of another Time Lord.

“Still wearing Judicial robes? Darling, they’re so last millennium!” Oh no. It couldn’t be. “And still with the skull-cap? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.”

As I turn round I’m greeted by a figure in a bright red suit and ridiculously huge shoulder pads.


“I mean I know you have a theme going on, but really, black just isn’t your colour. What you really need is one of those multicoloured coats from the….”

“No. I told you the last time what I thought about that particular piece of fashion advice.” I shiver at the memory. Like I said, one good thing came from the 80s and that coat wasn’t it. “You’ve regenerated.” It’s obvious, but I’m feeling the need to change the subject quickly.

“Oh God yes. I just couldn’t stand another moment in that woman’s body.”

“Indeed, I did notice it had been a transgender regeneration, is the skin colour on purpose?”

“Oh my dear, do you think I chanced onto this combination? This took several regenerations to get the skin just the right shade of orange.”

“I see. Well if you’ll excuse me I really need to be going.” Mostly because I’m resisting the urge to smack her, sorry him, around the head.

“Oh yes, the Master mentioned you were reviewing your past adventures. Nostalgia, baby, it’s just so last year.” He’s been saving that one, I can tell.

“That’s as may be, but I really must hurry.” Indeed, mostly because it started about five minutes ago and I don’t have Sky+ or Tivo.

“But we have so much to catch up on, darling.” Must he keep calling me that? Does he think we’re in an episode of Blackadder.

“No, no, it shall have to be another time I’m afraid. Duty calls and all that.” And I’m concerned about secondary radiation coming off of that skin.

“I’ve got Sky Plus you know.” Damn.

“Very well then, where is your TARDIS?”

“Right here, darling” Oh no, it’s the trolley full of ‘Lifestyle’ Magazines isn’t it?

As it transpires It’s less tasteful on the inside. Crystal Chandeliers , tiger skin rugs and those little flashing disco balls you seem to acquire only at the very worst markets are amongst the transgressions against taste. It’s like walking onto the set of an incredibly tacky game show. Supermarket Sweep springs to mind for some reason. Still, he has Sky Plus and I very much want to see this episode.

It’s a disappointing start. The episode is just drowning in 80s themes. Right down to the decor, still it’s not nearly as bad as the Rani’s TARDIS. Now that’s strange, there doesn’t seem to be anything behind the doors as the windows apart from more…

“Bring on the WALL!”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry, I have no idea what came over me, darling.”

How strange. Once again I find myself enjoying the direction, it’s all very dark even if it is tinged with the decade from hell.

The whole thing is vaguely entertaining, even if it hasn’t gone down the road I was hoping it might and my interest is piqued by the Doctor discovering the room with his fear in it. Sadly I’m prevented from discovering just what my eleventh self fears most by a tapping at the Rani’s door which then swings open of it’s own accord. “Of course. Who else?” Comes a voice floating through the ether before the door swings shut again. As I refocus on the matter at hand I find the Doctor wandering away from the door. If only I could remember what I’d seen in there. Ah well.

Rory continues to grow in stature in my eyes and I revel in delight when it’s revealed that he has no faith in the floppy haired fool at all. Quite right, quite right. Nice to see a companion with some common sense for a change.

Then the highlight of the episode for me; that stupid Pond girl has her faith in Gallifreyans stripped away from her in a very brutal fashion. It’s a joy to behold, but I would have enjoyed it more if seven hadn’t already done it to Ace. Still, the boy is starting to show promise.

It all ends well though, with the Ponds being abandoned. About time, although I wouldn’t have been upset if he’d kept Rory on.

Now, if I could just work out how to get myself out of this trolley.

Please note that responses to this post are subject to our comments policy.

© 2005-2015 Kasterborous. Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | SheKnows Media - Entertainment