The Valeyard Judges: The Wedding of River Song

Oh, it’s you.

Very well, you may join me, but you need to remain silent. This is, after all, a covert operation.

Why else would I venture into deepest, darkest Wales? I have decided to take matters firmly into my own hands and to re-forge my destiny anew. Which is why we’re sneaking into the Moff’s office in BBC Wales.

Now, shhhhh!

I know what you’re thinking; that I’m the Time Lord Victorious, the Last Scion of Gallifrey (oh I wish!) and the owner of a rather beat up, yet perfectly functional, Type 40 TARDIS. So, just what am I doing sneaking into this office? It’s quite simple really, it’s protected by a Type 1 Moffat Paradox. Therefore no chronologically enhanced devices work in it’s vicinity. I had to have Lord Stormageddon drop me off at the front door where he remains keeping the temporal engines running in case a hasty retreat becomes in order.

I must confess that Moffat’s office is quite a sight to behold. His desk is a customized TARDIS console, his name mounted on a Dalek eyestalk. The heads of Mondasian natives hang on his wall along side those of Judoon Enforcers and I do believe those are actual roundels in the walls. The pickled head of John Barrowman sits atop a bookcase filled with enough Past, New and Missing Adventures to make the Doctor Who Reprint Society die from sheer ecstasy.

Eventually I find what I’m looking for underneath a Slitheen body suit; the final draft of The Wedding of River Song.

As I start to leaf through the final draft I brace myself for the worst and am sorely disappointed. The man has actually put together a bona-fide masterpiece. If this is allowed to air then I’ll be reviewing this show forever more and that will not stand.

“On the trail of the Silence the Doctor finds himself in the presence of the only individual who can impart the information he seeks, all he has to do is beat him in a game of chess. The game is set in a mansion that puts us instantly in mind of Ghost Light, only with a budget, and as the game progresses the Doctor speaks only lines from Series 25 and 26 (we still don’t talk about Series 24 it would seem) until eventually his opponent is forced into an extremely cunning checkmate and is forced to divulge his employer’s location within the time stream.”

That won’t do at all. I think I’ll add some flames, cameras and a blood thirsty audience. Oh and some neon. Lets make this as tacky as we can. And to add insult to injury let’s have the Doctor lose the game.

“Amy and Rory finally find River and the Doctor in the same room as the Eye of Harmony. Here as all of time and space converge are River and the Doctor finally on a level chronological playing field. At last they can both fully understand each other’s place in their lives. Wordlessly River stands up and walks towards her parents and takes their hands before looking back over her shoulder. The Doctor never takes his eyes off of River as he approaches the Pond family. He reaches out his hand, his intentions obvious from the look of complete devotion on his face. Hesitating only long enough to glance at each other the Ponds give the Doctor River’s hand in matrimony. The cloister bell rings in celebration as reality starts to reassert itself, the brief moment of unity gone now and forever.”

Well that can all go. Let’s have it at the top of a pyramid full of Americans and have the Doctor using his bow tie to bind the ceremony.

“Having made his peace with the Universe and with himself the Doctor slowly walks towards the waiting River. His offers her his full and unconditional forgiveness as she mercilessly pulls the trigger and stops his regeneration dead. The Doctor’s friends cremate him in the middle of the lake and eventually depart, utterly devastated at the death of the Doctor. No one remains to see a fob watch fall off of the funeral pyre and float to the bottom of the lake.”

To hell with that. Far too noble and poignant. Lets have him cheat death by imitating a Power Ranger and a giant robot. I’d like to see his dignity come back from that!

I make a few other changes here and there. I suspect flying dinosaurs and cars will kill the budget completely and stretch suspension of belief to breaking point. I make everyone wear eye patches and I give the floppy haired fool hair from our first regeneration.

I cannot however bring myself to remove the farewell to the Brigadier. I will miss that old soldier terribly.

With the Type 1 Moffat Paradox starting to tighten and with John Barrowman’s pickled eyes staring at me I withdraw quietly from the office, stopping only to stamp ‘CANCELLED’ on the proposal for the next series of Doctor Who: Confidential.

Outside I find Lord Stormageddon waiting with the TARDIS and together we depart to a future where the good Doctor is not renewed and I can focus on my dreams of universal domination.

At least that’s the plan.


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