Top 5 Rides For A Doctor Who Theme Park

Hasn’t the World Cup been exciting? Great skill, terrific goals, heated controversy…

What’s that you say? Football’s not your thing? You fancy a day out instead? A trip to the funfair should do it! How about the new Doctor Who Theme Park that’s just opened in Stockbridge? They’ve got all sorts of exciting things there!

Kasterborous presents for you a sneak preview of the top five Doctor Who rides!!!

Celestial Toymaker’s Playroom

End Game

In which you’ll be guided by a weird bloke dressed as a mandarin who says he only wants to play a few games with you. All seems nice enough and a couple of your party even manage to win a couple of rounds until there’s this really complicated Trilogic Game and you get, like, all confused and stuff, cos you’ve never even played it before and it’s just, like, so unfair cos he’s played it loads of times before so he wins and then he starts getting really nasty and brings out all his death stuff until you, like, do an impression of him and that defeats him.

The Land of Fiction

The Mind Robber - Jamie

This is a big white room, almost a void really, where slow moving robots and slow moving toy soldiers will hunt you. One of your party will change appearance after you get mixed up on a rearrange-the-picture type game but don’t worry because he’ll come back as he should be soon enough. And the replacement friend will be happy because he’ll be able to put it on his CV and go to conventions on the strength of it.

The Matrix

The Deadly Assassin clown

Calm down, it hasn’t got Keanu Reeves is it. Here you’ll be stranded in an imaginary reality that very quickly gets very painful when you get your foot trapped by the model railway. Keep quiet about it for goodness sake; Health and Safety would have a field day with that.

It doesn’t get any more pleasant when someone tries to drown you in the water slide and this old lady who’s watching complains and tries to get the whole horrid thing shut down.

The Psychic Circus

Greatest Show in the Galaxy

Enjoy the magnificent Psychic Circus but watch out for the deadly clowns who have the place in their grip. When you beat them by turning the Gods’ power against them (it’ll work, I promise) there’s a really good bit when you saunter away looking all casual and it explodes behind you and you don’t even flinch. It’ll burn the clothes off your backside but it’ll look so cool.

Warehouse on the Ood Sphere

Planet of the Ood - Tenth Doctor

One for the video game fans, this one. You get trapped in this big warehouse full of boxes and this bloke operating a big claw thing tries to grab you with it and you have to evade him.

Not much more to it than that, really.

But there’s a big brain there as well and a gross bit where a bloke’s head splits open and he turns into an alien, which is quite good I suppose.


There isn’t really a Doctor Who Theme Park, readers. Of course there isn’t! (This is merely inspired by a forum thread.) But if there were, what would be your top ride?


Jonathan has followed the Doctor's adventures since the late Pertwee era, and he isn't about to stop now. A charity worker from Hull, he enjoys following Hull City's fortunes, listening to Bruce Springsteen and collecting all manner of Doctor Who ephemera. He blogs about Doctor Who merchandise at

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