Who are the Husbands of River Song?

River Song is back.

Now, you’ve had either one of three reactions to that statement. Let’s assess each of these emotional scenarios and impose a purely hypothetical approximation of what kind of fan you are.

1. “YES, OMG I’M SO HAPPY”; if you felt like this upon hearing about River’s dominant return, you have most likely been a fan for the past eight or nine years. Failing that, you are a long time aficionado of the show, but you count stories like Time of the Rani and Love and Monsters as, “a camp bit of fun” that you adore openly.

2. “Meh”; my ghosts in your machine are telling me that your favourite Doctor is either Patrick Troughton or Christopher Eccleston and you regard The Day of the Doctor as a massive let-down. Also, you used to have a massive interest in the show, but as of late, that has waned to just the occasional click on Gallifrey Base’s spoiler section.

3. “%$*&@+”; you’ve been a fan since the early nineties. Perhaps you grew up with the last season and a half of the classic series run? You believe that the best things to happen to Doctor Who in the last ten years can be found betwixt the plastic shell of a Big Finish audio,and so, in turn, you bank account looks as empty as the average Big Brother contestant’s head.

Brilliant. So I’ve either just read your mind or alienated 50% of the people reading this article. Ain’t the Doctor Who fan community great?

The Husbands of River Song has been named as this year’s Christmas Special (rumoured to be broadcast at 5:15 on Christmas Day). But who are these self decreed suitors for Lady Song’s hand? Well…

Upon hearing that Matt Lucas and Greg Davies were appearing in this year’s special, I was delighted. I love both men’s work and I’m glad Matt Lucas has been selected for a role outside of a Children In Need miniscene. Greg Davies cuts an imposing figure, so his role better be freaking sweet. Alas, Christmas Specials often have a tendency to cripple and waste the chance to have genuine talent feature in their stories (see Bill Bailey).

I’m gonna call it and suggest these guys are the husbands of River Song. Spread across time and space, she has woven a plot and played the long game by ensnaring unsuspecting, bumbling men and marrying them, thus making her a strong female character, right Steven? Cos that’s how you do it.

Clearly the Doctor is going be play a part in this husband lark. Regardless of Moffat’s comments towards River not recognising the Doctor at the start of the story, we already know that at some point she clocks onto it. Maybe we’ll see some hilarious marital banter between her, Capaldi, Lucas and Davis. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! SUCH FUN!!!

*clears throat*

Anyway, what’s do you guys think? What are you expecting? Should we anticipate a deeper sub-plot?

Or are we having a laugh? It’s Christmas after all.


Billy grew up during the merky depths of the Wilderness Years. With nothing but a single copy of 'Dragonfire' loaned from the local library to keep him company, five year old Billy sought out other ways to entertain his feverish Doctor Who addiction. Billy studies Television Production at University of Gloucestershire and sites 'The Curse of Peledon' and 'Inferno' as two of his favourite Doctor Who stories of all time. You can find more musings on Doctor Who on Billy's personal Twitter and on batmanmarch's YouTube channel where he appears every so often.

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